Grief Following A Miscarriage or Stillbirth
Loss as a result of miscarriage or stillbirth is one of the most profound losses imaginable.
Everything that you hoped for, prayed for, and prepared for is gone in an instant. The physical toll alone is inconceivable but thankfully, short-lived. The emotional turmoil, however, is a slower and much more intense process.
This process takes time to heal – a lot of time.
Allowing yourself to grieve is uncomfortable.
No one wants to grieve.
No one wants to feel the sadness, guilt, shame, and anger over losing their child.
We would give anything, to make the pain go away. However, allowing yourself to grieve is imperative to mental health and life. Grieving will eventually help you come to a place of peace acceptance over time.
Let me be clear, acceptance does not mean that you “get over it.” It does not mean you will return to the person you were before the loss. It does not mean that you have forgotten your loss.
It is a difficult and convoluted process – and one that no two people will experience in the same way.
It is important to understand the grief you are experiencing and dare I say, embrace it. Your grief is normal in fact, it is essential to the human experience.
Grief lets us know that we have loved. It helps us gain a deeper and understanding of ourselves, our relationships with others and life.
So What Does Grief Look Like?
On the surface you may experience extreme sadness, bouts of crying, and angry outbursts.
However, there are several less-talked-about symptoms that are just as common. These are:
– loss of the meaning of life
– questioning religion/relationship with God
– loss of appetite
– trouble falling asleep or staying asleep
– dreams/nightmares of the loved one
– difficulty concentrating
– withdrawal from others
– feeling numb
– irritability
– loneliness
The Grief Stages
The KÜbler-Ross Model (1970) for Stages of Grief is one of the most well-known grief resources in helping us understand the process of loss. Although this resource is a wonderful place to start in understanding your unique grieving process, it is much more complicated than progressing through the stages in a linear fashion. You might notice that you are progressing through the stages according to this model but then, return to a stage that you thought you have already “completed,” before moving forward again. In addition, you could experience more than one stage of grief at any given time. Everyone’s process of grief is unique – how we progress through the steps and how long it takes to come to acceptance is different for everybody.
- Shock/Denial
In this stage, everything has lost meaning. Whether adding to the family was a surprise or a planned event, everything that you have come to know is gone. Your heart and your mind have prepared you for your growing family. You’ve thought about the day you will become a parent or addition to your family. You’ve planned. You’ve prayed. Regardless of whether you were 1 day pregnant or made it to full term – you’ve bonded.
Nothing makes sense and you feel numb.
How is this real?
This can’t be real.
Just a moment ago, you were a parent-to-be. Everything was fine a moment ago.
The shock and disbelief tend to take place at the very same time that your body is physically going though a very painful and traumatic process. As if the emotional pain weren’t enough, the physical representation of your loss is intense – proof of the very thing we struggle to admit is happening, and it can’t be stopped.
- Anger
You will get very, very mad.
You’ll likely be mad at yourself, but you may also get mad at your family, your friends, your doctor, your partner, and maybe even God.
Anger is oftentimes called a “secondary emotion” and something I talk with my clients about often, whether it is grieve related or not. Anger comes as a result of experiencing other and more complex emotions. Maybe you are angry because deep down, you are confused as to why this happened to you. Maybe it is because you are sad. Maybe it is because you are stressed. Depressed. In physical pain. Shameful. Afraid of the present and of the future. It is likely a combination of all those feelings and more.
You might think, Why me? or This isn’t fair!
You’re right, this isn’t fair. You are justified in feeling that this isn’t fair.
Your anger might be furthered by the lack of understanding from others or, insensitive and unhelpful comments from those who mean well – It was meant to be; God had other plans; Nature took its own course. Give it time.
You might be angry at family and friends who have had or are having babies. Why can’t I have that? What have I done to deserve this? Despite whether the thoughts or feelings are logical, they are your feelings. Your emotions are valid. Although your anger might end up being directed towards your friends and family, it is instead a reaction to the situation. Try to remember that your support circle means well. All in all, they want you to be okay and although it makes you angry when they say something like, It was meant to be, they are trying to help you in the only capacity that they know how to right now.
- Bargaining
Driven by guilt, bargaining is the process of trying to make everything perfect for next time. Bargaining can take on many forms. I will live my life to the fullest and enjoy every moment. I will not take my family and friends for granted.
You could bargain to prepare for a future pregnancy. I will eat only organic foods to avoid all the chemicals and preservatives to help my next pregnancy. I will work out and be healthier so everything will be okay next time.
The process of bargaining in a way, is to try and prevent something like this from happening in the future. However, it is a hard pill to swallow that, there was nothing that could have been done to prevent the current loss from happening. Just as scary – there is nothing that anyone can do to guarantee it won’t happen again in the future. Making changes to our lives to live mindfully or becoming healthier for example, are always wonderful goals to aim for. However, connecting the “betterment of oneself” to an expectation that it could change something out of our control can be unhealthy and cause one to revert back to denial.
Remember how I said the stages are grief aren’t linear and quite complex? Yeah.
- Depression/Sadness
It is okay to feel sad. It is okay to feel depressed. Emotions serve a purpose and that purpose to survive and thrive. Think about anxiety for example, the “fight or flight” response is present for a reason – to keep us alive. However, it is hard to understand why feeling sad would be essential for our survival. In fact, some may argue that their sadness is keeping them from living. As noted by Lisa Firestone (2015), “Sadness is a natural part of life and is usually connected with certain experiences of pain or loss or even a meaningful moment of connection or joy that makes us value our lives.”
Value.
It may be hard to see the value or purpose of your life after such a significant loss and it might take months or even years before you see it, but this loss will add value to your life. It may make zero sense when the grief is fresh. If you are in the stages of Shock/Denial or Anger, it will be impossible to see. As cheesy as it sounds, you cannot see the rainbow without the rain.
When you come to a point where you start to see value again, you will see that you have been strong in the face of the greatest grief in life. Despite feeling your worst, you have never been stronger.
You will continue to appreciate all that you are blessed with/have been blessed with/will be blessed with.
You. Are. Strong.
How you come to understand the value in your situation is subjective and is unique to you.
In terms of grief, discerning normal bereavement from a Major Depressive Episode is complicated and should be done by a Licensed Mental Health Professional. However, it is important to know that feeling sadness, having episodes of crying, feeling fatigued, and trouble with sleep are examples of areas of your life that can be affected by sadness and overall, are quite normal.
When your feelings of sadness start to cause significant emotional distress where you struggle to care for yourself/other children or, distress that comes with thoughts of self-harm or suicidal ideations, it is imperative that you seek immediate assistance from a qualified mental health professional and if life threatening, call 911.
- Acceptance
As mentioned, acceptance does not mean that you have “gotten over” the loss. It also doesn’t mean you aren’t still experiencing an array of emotions. Quite contrary. Instead, you have come to a place of understanding. This loss becomes part of your story and does not define you. The sadness and anger will still be there, but it isn’t as intense.
Over time, the thoughts of the loss will no longer happen every day. This can bring its own sense of guilt.
You haven’t forgotten about your loss and it isn’t any less significant, despite thinking about it less often. Just because you may not cry anymore at the thought of the loss doesn’t mean you don’t see love the little one who is gone.
You have been processing your emotions to come to this sense of understanding. Moving on is not bad nor is it selfish. It is a natural part of our existence and once again, a means of survival. Imagine if you didn’t eventually come to understand this loss and continued to live in that intense pain every day. You would not be able to be an equal partner in your relationship with your significant other. You will not be as effective of a worker. You will not be as present for your other children.
That constant dark cloud above you will keep you from enjoying and cherishing the other parts of your life that deserve to be adored and enjoyed.
Our basic instincts drive us to survive, and in doing so, time heals us. You did not cause this loss. You do not deserve to be eternally punished. It is our natural, human instinct to move forward and I’ll say this again:
It is okay to come to accept the loss of your child.
You don’t have to go through this alone. Remember to reach out to your support systems and ask for help, however hard it is to do. You are not expected to do this alone. Seek counseling for you and your partner. Talk with people you trust. Take time to do things that you enjoy or that are meaningful to you.
Most of all, please be kind to yourself.
You are strong, and you can do this.
Jayme L. Davis
Licensed Professional Counselor
The mother of an angel baby taken too soon, February 4th, 2012.
Resources
Firestone, L. (2015). The Value of Sadness. Retrieved from https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/compassion-matters/201507/the-value-sadness
Kübler-Ross, E. (1970). On death and dying. New York, NY, US: Collier Books/Macmillan Publishing Co.